lapse of memory

My last Stammtish in Jyvaskyla~!!! The theme was 'carnival'. Well, to tell the truth, I have only heard about it through some fancy pictures in travel books and a famous(one of my favorites) Korean band. So... what is a carnival? According to my handy-dictionary I see infront of me, right now, it is a public festival, usually one that happens at a regular time each year, that involves music and dancing in the streets, for which people wear colorful clothes... and for Catholic meaning, it is a crazy 3-day festival comes before the Lent. Since during the Lent, people were banned to eat meat and so that's why people wanted to enjoy themselves with meat and have fun. Rio de Janeiro is famous for it. Ok... but sorry for the description, I wore black clothe...kkkk.... and Stefy wore her curtain-sari(Indian traditional costume)~ and for her earing, she wore Korean ornament, No-ri-gae.

On the way to the campus... I loved the colors of the houses... with snowy scenery.

People could be classified by the times they live in. In my mother's case, she lives in the past. For my brother, I beilieve he lives in the future... and for me, I thought I live just now, in the present... But thesedays, I feel like I am stuck in the middle of past and present. I keep on seeing the illusions of my past days... and it's hurting me alot. It's hurting me by itself, but also, it makes my heart ache with the fact that it is fading and loosing it's color. The vividness of those days are fading... The fact it's fading.... makes me crazy... and acute pain occur that 'past is past and never can be brought as it was now anymore'.

There was a poet who sang that the spring is ruthless, cruel season. And I beilieve so. Why everhthing seems so new and full of energy while I am not so? Spring let the miserable one excluded from the changing world. Sometimes... when I feel so hopeless, I start to see myself hating newly sprouting cute baby-greens. Yes, I am jealous of them. They have enough reason to be watched amiably, but I stare at them with hate.

It's stupid to flow away precious 'present' by wasting podering about pasts of futures... I know.. I know... but why can't help it? Oh... my...